RIP Cpl Chad Wade.

Of course, I haven't updated this in a while.

I've had a lot to think about lately. I met this girl in Arkansas when I still lived there. Her name was Katie. I didn't know her well enough to call her a "friend," but after meeting her once, I knew she was a good person. She is one of those sweet girls that deserve the world. Well she found him in a Marine, named Chad. They fell in love and got married. She started a blog like this but she actually kept up with it. Ha.

Katie wrote about her life with Chad and all the obstacles they had to jump over. The two of them were so in love. I lived vicariously through her writings. I had given up on love and felt that it didn't exist. It was just a figment of the imagination. But I read the way Katie felt about Chad. You could literally feel the emotion through her words. Those words made me believe that even the hopeless people could find love one day.

Then December 1st, while I was browsing on Facebook, my heart sank. I found that Chad, the fearless Marine that Katie had talked about day after day, was killed in Afghanistan. It made me realize that all the measly things that I stressed about meant nothing. Nothing that I worried about or got upset about mattered anymore. This sweet girl that I had once met was suffering something that I could never imagine. The love of her life was gone.

I've continued to read Katie's blog through this terribly hard time for her. Her strength and faith has not faltered. She's as strong as ever. I know she probably won't read this, but just in case...

Katie, I couldn't imagine going through what you're going through. Through your words I have found strength, in every aspect of my life. Because of you, I know that no matter what I was going through, someone else was facing something worse. Chad faced things that none of us can even fathom. Also, us girls who love someone wholeheartedly could never even begin to try to think about how you're feeling. You're an incredible person. You've wrote in your blog about yourself finding peace in this situation. I pray that you have found it & you continue to carry it with you. You're an inspiration to everyone, military spouse or not. As is Chad. RIP Mr. Wade.

I had more to write after this about my every day life... but I don't want to anymore. RIP.

Lately.

As I've said before, I'm terrible at keeping up with this.

Let's see... Lately... hmmmm.

I've wrote before how I was "ruined" when it comes to relationships. I figured it would take a guy that could move mountains to make me get over my fear and hurt from my last relationship. Well, I think I found him.

I started working at Buffalo Wild Wings at the end of the September. During my interview, this guy, covered in tattoos & sporting a mohawk, came over to me & started hitting on me. Since that day, he did not give up on getting me to hang out with him It wasn't a creep pursuit by any means. It was kinda nice.

So, finally I decide I'll hang out with him. I laid it all out on the line. Told him I had trust issues, I come with a lot of baggage, I'm stubborn, & I'm quite difficult at times. I told him if he wanted to stick around through that then he's more than welcome to. He did.

He never gave up. He let me make all the decisions and all the moves. He never once told me "I'm different" or "I won't do that to you." He has worked to prove that to me. No one's tried so hard to break through my barriers before.

Cody is amazing. He IS different. I can honestly be myself around him without worrying about him judging me. He's not afraid to hold my hand or put his arm around me in front of his friends. He's just fun to be around.

I'm still terrified to fall, but he makes me honestly happy.

I have began my hunt for an apartment.

I've been staying with my parents, but I'm ready to be gone. I like staying here for numerous reasons. Home-cooked meals, not having a lot of bills, the hot tub! Haha. But it's time for me to get on with my life on my own. Apartment hunting has already proved itself stressful. Clearly just a preview of the stress that is to come. Weeeeeee.

This weekend...

This weekend will absolutely make up for the crappy birthday I had on Wednesday.

Two of my very best friends, Chelsea Camille & Andrea Leigh, will be here TODAY!Y

Tonight, we'll probably just be obnoxious at the house.

Tomorrow, tailgating the ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS vs Texas A&M Aggies football game at Cowboys Stadium! Then who knows - maybe the fair, maybe the zoo!

Sunday, TENNESSEE TITANS vs Dallas Cowboys game! I'm definitely the only one out of the three cheering for the Titans, but it's cool. Chelsea leaves me Sunday to spend time with her grandma, but Andie gets to stay with me. :)

They both leave to go back to Arkansas on Wednesday. :(

I can't wait to see them. Yes, I saw them a few weeks ago when I went home to Arkansas, but I still miss them. My birthday sucked balls, so this will definitely make up for it.

24...

I'm 24 today.
:(
I"m not particularly pumped about it. I remember being a kid and thinking 24 was old. Well, here I sit, a 24 year OLD woman. Ugh. Can I just go back to the days when the only things I had to worry about were if my mom was going to yell at me for getting grass stains on my school jeans or where I was going to sit at lunch? Those days were easier. Less complicated.

I found this quote as I was researching Joyce Carol Oates for my English project. This quote wasn't by her, nor does it have anything to do with her, but I liked it.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." -Agatha Christie

I'm going to think about this quote every time I get down about something. Life's too short to worry about things. Just to be alive IS a grand thing...
Y

progress report

Man, it's been a while...

again.

But, oh well.

It's going on 3 months since I moved to the Lonestar State. It hasn't exactly been the paradise I had imagined. I got my first job after a month of living here, and I hated it with a such a fiery passion that I can't fully describe it. I often imagined myself falling down stairs and breaking something, for the simple fact that it would keep me from going to work. Finally, after almost a month of working there, I quit. I went a whole weekend without a job.

I got a new job at the Buffalo Wild Wings in Cedar Hill. I told myself when I moved here that I wasn't going to be a waitress again, but boy I missed it. I love being a waitress. It's time to face that fact. So now, I love my job and I'm really liking the people I work with... so far.

Outside of the job situations, I was having a roller coaster ride of emotions. One week, I'd be happy that I was in Texas. Then the next week, I'd be miserable and want to move back to Arkansas. I haven't pinpointed the cause for these ups and downs yet. It could be that I have no one here to talk to or go do things with. I spend my free time at home. It could be that I just simply miss home.

I can promise you part of it is missing my yorkie, my brother, and my best friend. It's weird not being around the three of them. I've gone back to Arkansas to visit twice now, and each time it gets harder to leave. :(

On another depressing note,

my birthday is tomorrow...

It's depressing because I turn 24. Next year, I'll be a quarter of a century old. I'm definitely not okay with that. I'm just going to call tomorrow my 3rd 21st birthday. Works for me.

Good news usually follows bad news...

two of my best friends, Chelsea & Andrea, are coming to visit me this weekend! They will both be here Friday until Monday. Then Chelsea is going to spend time with her grandma and mom while Andrea spends a few extra days with me! :) I'm so excited. Saturday, we're going to tailgate the ARKANSAS vs Texas A&M game at Cowboys Stadium. Then Saturday is the Titans vs Cowboys game! They're both Cowboys fans and I'm a Titans fan.. should be interesting. ;) I'm so so so happy that they'll both be here! <3>

Well, that's it for my progress report.

I'll give this another shot at staying up to date.

It might work this time.

Maybe...

Growing up.

MY BABY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED!!!

Wednesday, my 22 year old brother proposed to his girlfirend of 3 years. She obviously said yes. :) This wonderful girl just HAPPENS to be my very best friend in the whole wide world. I couldn't imagine a better pair. I'm so very happy for the both of them. Y

"Best Friends" ....?

I really don't know how to start what's going through my head right now.

I really thought I knew who my friends were. It took me three years to find out that my "best friend" was nothing short of a snake. Here I am sitting up late at night on the phone with her because her boyfriend's being a douche again, talking her through her stress, doing the best I can to be a best friend even though I'm in Texas & she's in New York.. but this is what I get.

I don't want to blame her for "ruining" a perfectly good relationship I once had with a great guy, but I will go as far to say, she might have lit the fire that burned it down.

I won't confront her. It'll put others in the line of fire. Never in a million years would I think that she would do such a thing.

I guess I'm just going to have to learn to not trust people. That will be a hard thing for me. I look for the good in everyone, and I'm too trusting. But being betrayed by one of the few people in this world that you thought you could always count on.. that woke me up to reality. Not everyone is good. Just because you find the good in someone doesn't necessarily mean they're going to act upon it.

My heart is completely heartbroken & for once, it wasn't because of a boy.

Well...

I officially suck at this whole "blogging" thing.

I'm going to go ahead and give it another try.

Not because I think people actually read this,

but to keep my own sanity.

I'm finally in Texas. I've been here for 3 weeks & 2 days. So far, so good. Job interviews are in full swing, & I'm getting school situated. I'm just waiting on my transcripts from my other numerous colleges of attended. Then it's on to the ever stressful registration! Woooo.

Despite the fact that everything's good so far, I've found two negatives to living in Texas:

#1) I miss my friends more than I can possibly express. It's weird being here without them. When something was going wrong, or I was in a funk, I'd just call them up & they'd be there in a heartbeat with some crazy adventure to take my mind off things. Life seemed easier having them around. Now that they're not here, I feel completely alone. I understand that's part of being an adult, & I know they're only a phone call away, but sometimes a girl just needs a hug from her best friend. Even a tomboy like myself.

#2) I miss my yorkie even more than my friends. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but Colt & I had a special bond that people don't have with other people. That's probably because Colt couldn't talk back to tell me what I was saying was stupid or my decisions were irrational. That 4 pound creature is my whole world. I talked to him all the time like he was a human being. When I cried, he ran right to me & licked my face until I stopped. Granted, it was probably because the salt in my tears & not the tears themselves, but it still helped.

In order to try & help me cope with the two negatives I mentioned above, my parents adopted a kitten for me. Her name is Skittles & she is quite easily the 2nd most adorable pet in the world - behind Colt, of course. But, she still doesn't fill the void. Sometimes I find myself more upset, because she reminds me of Colt. She really reminds me of Chelsea all the time. Chelsea's a cat lover. It wouldn't surprise me if she ended up being a crazy cat lady. ;) But then again, it wouldn't surprise me if I end up being a crazy yorkie lady!

Alright. Enough for now, I guess. Let's see if I can actually keep this thing going this time.

Pretender.

I'm done pretending.

Pretending to be happy,

pretending to care,

pretending to not care.

All of it.

I'm me.

Whitney Alayna.

No one else.

Nothing will change me.

I need to put a smile on my face.

A real smile.

For once.

Famous.

The "Famous People I've Met" List...

-Joe Nichols, country singer

-Chris, singer of the band NeverShoutNever!

-Jeremy Depoyster, guitarist of the band The Devil Wears Prada

-Mike Hart, football player (played for Michigan & now Indianapolis Colts)

-Darren McFadden, football player (played for Arkansas & now Oakland Raiders)

-Marshawn Powell, basketball player (currently plays for University of Arkansas)

I can now add another name to the list:

Tony Ugoh... tackle of the Indianapolis Colts. Former Arkansas Razorback.

He came into Buffalo Wild Wings tonight

while I was working

to watch the fights.

Nice guy. :)

He's also huuuuuuge. Hah.

As you can see.

funk.

So for the past few days,

I've avoided this thing.

I didn't want to go on some rant

that didn't make any sense.

I've been in a super funk.

To the point that when I'd wake up,

I'd force myself to go back to sleep.
Not because I was tired,

but because I just didn't want to be awake.

I'm a happy person.

I always have been.

But the past few days,

it's been so hard to even pretend to be happy.

(& I'm usually pretty good at that, too.)

However,

thanks to my wonderful friends,

& a fun new hair color,

I've been pulled out of the funk.

I realized that I have every reason to be happy.

Therefore, I'll be happy from now on.

Honestly.

:)

Oh, here's my new hair! <3

First things first:

I'm sorry.

I'm know you won't see this,

but I had to say it anyways.

I wish I could take it all back.

For the sake of our friendship,

and for the sake of my dignity.

:/

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Secondly,

I love my friends.

We went out to a hunting cabin in Huntsville, AR

for Miss Lindsey's birthday.

Had. So. Much. Fun!

Random romping adventures.

Tequila & chasing it with margarita mix.

Falling asleep by the fire.
Falling in general.

Star-gazing & gravel-laying.

Truck rides.

"Give me a BEEEEEEEEER."

Drink every time you say "tree."

Top bunk madness.

Drunken heart-to-hearts.

Text messages.

Balloon popping.

Calling teachers.

"So did you."

Camouflage.

"Patron, you my nigga."

+ all the other stuff we don't remember.

Ahhh, what a night. :)

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I thought this summer would be non-stop fun.

Definitely not true.

Don't get me wrong - I've had a lot of fun,

but there's quiet days too.

I've come to love those the most.

Days where I can sit by myself,

well.. with my yorkie,

& think about everything.

Sometimes the thinking part hurts,

like today,

but other days it's helpful.

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As lame was "Arkansas" sounds,

& as lame as I make the place sound,

I'm really going to miss it.

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Old.

Ok.
I'm officially getting old.

My little stepbrother, Casey,
is graduating high school tonight.

This is how I remember Casey:

He was also goofing off & making us laugh.
He always did what we told him to.
Like dress up as Britney Spears or Christina Augilera.

When I first moved to Arkansas,
he was the reason I stayed here.
He became my best friend.
We would raid Hot Topic & then go to the movies.
We introduced each other to different bands
& just loved hanging out.

Obviously,
we both grew out of that stage.
We both started hanging out with our own friends, ha.

He's still one of the easiest people to talk to.
He's one of the best listeners in the world,
& one of the greatest people I've ever known.

Congratulations Casey Ray.
You've gone through so much,
& you've come out on top.
I'm so very proud of you.
Love you always.
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New Tattoo!

So, Tuesday, I got a new tattoo.
My 4th one.
& I love it.

It's from a song by my favorite band:

The Spill Canvas.

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die,
it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive,
SO LIVE FOR THE MOMENT..."
-The Tide

:)

Rain, rain, go away.. :(

First & foremost, I'd like to say

Happy 20th Birthday

to one of the most beautiful people,

inside & out,

to ever grace this planet,

Hailey Lynn Rice.

Rest in Peace Sweet Angel.

We all know you're up there, celebrating, & watching over us as we do the same. You know we're all gonna celebrate! ;) I love you and miss you every day.

Secondly,

I. AM. DONE. WITH. THE. SEMESTER!!!

Now, it's just time to sit around & wait for grades to come out!

Hoping I passed everything.. or it's summer courses for Whitney.

BOOOOOOO.

And this rain needs to go away.

For real.

I thought APRIL showers were supposed to bring MAY flowers.

But no.

May showers bring scary tornadoes

& prevent me from wearing sundresses & jorts.

LAME WEATHER ARKANSAS!

Just lame.

The end.

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Random thoughts for the day.

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I hate change.

I understand that sounds odd,

seeing as how I'm facing a big change in two months.

But I do.

I can't stand it.

Let me explain...

I don't hate physical change or a change in location.

I hate when people change.

You really think you know someone.

Then an outside entity comes into the picture, and everything's completely different.

Maybe they weren't showing me their true selves.

Maybe now is the real person they truly are.

I guess I'll never know.
I'll just have to take everything with a grain of salt.

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I'm ruined.

Weird statement, yes.

But I am.

I've been through some dumb relationships.

Ones that I knew were going to end badly.

But I fell head over heels like always,

and of course,

my heart was broken.

I always got over it and moved on.

My last relationship ended at the end of October 2009.

I'm still feeling the hurt from it.

Not because of him as a person.

I don't miss him, and he isn't the reason I'm ruined.

What he did is why I'm ruined.

I thought I had found someone good for me.
I put my whole heart into the relationship, just like I always do.

We had so much fun together and I was happy.

Then like a light switch, he changed.
Literally, it came out of nowhere.

I didn't understand, and I still don't.

That's why I'm ruined.
The not-knowing.

Of course, I never got an explanation.

Not a truthful one, at least.

Now I'm terrified of putting myself out on a limb again.

I'm afraid of falling.

And hitting rock bottom,

hard.

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I hate storms.

That's the worst thing about spring in the south.

Dark clouds.

Storms.

Tornadoes.

Lightning.

Thunder.

Eeeeek.

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And a random ending to my random thoughts:

a little of a song that's been running through my head today.

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes

Hate in my heart, love in my mind

I see nights full of pain, days of the same

You keep the sunshine, save me the rain

I search but never find, hurt but never cry

I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so never mind

-Drop the World, Lil' Wayne ft. Eminem

The beginning of the end...

Funny how no matter where I run,

'Round every bend I only see,
Just how far I haven't come.

Every mile a memory...

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Well, first I'll give you a little background.

My name's Whitney.

I've been through a lot and learned a lot

in my 23 short years on this earth.

I've traveled the world,

and I'm no where close to slowing down.

I'm a wanderer, and I love it.

Most people don't know that

I was born in Rogers, Arkansas in 1986.

I've since lived in Colorado, Georgia, England, and New York.

But, if you ask me, I'm a New Yorker. Through and through.

I've been to the beautiful countries of Italy and France.

It is my goal in life to make it back once again.

I moved back to my hometown of Rogers in July of 2007.

New York got a little too much for me to handle.

I wanted a change and had family in Arkansas.

So my travels brought me back to my beginning.

Now, my travels are continuing.

I will be moving to the Great State of Texas at the end of July.

Two more months until I move forward with my life.

I want to savor every moment,

with the people here who I love,

and love me back. Y

So that's the purpose of this blog:

To document my last few months in Arkansas.

Here's to remembering,

the past,

the present

and the future

...the path I'm walking.

Hope you enjoy it.☮